(This goes out to you guys who are planning to get married and for those na rin who are in a serious relationship.)
10 Ways To Marry The Wrong Person
by Rabbi Dov Heller, M.A.
With the divorce rate over 50 percent, too many are apparently making a
serious mistake in deciding who to spend the rest of their life with. To
avoid becoming a "statistic," try to internalize these 10
insights.
#1. You pick the wrong person because you expect him/her to change after
you're married.
The classic mistake. Never marry potential. The golden rule is, if you
can't be happy with the person the way he or she is now, don't get married.
As a colleague of mine so wisely put it, "You actually can expect people to
change after their married... for the worst!" So when it comes to the other
person's spirituality, character, personal hygiene, communication skills,
and personal habits, make sure you can live with these as they are now.
#2. You pick the wrong person because you focus more on chemistry than on
character.
Chemistry ignites the fire, but good character keeps it burning. Beware of
the "I'm in love" syndrome. "I'm in love" often means, "I'm in lust".
Attraction is there, but have you carefully checked out this person's
character?
Here are four character traits to definitely check for:
Humility: Does this person believe that "doing the right thing" is more
important than personal comfort? Do I want to be more like this person?
Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
Kindness: Does this person enjoy giving pleasure to other people? How does
she treat people she doesn't have to be nice to? Does she do volunteer
work? Give charity?
Responsibility: Can I depend on this person to do what she says? she's
going to do?
Happiness: Does this person like himself? Does she enjoy life? Is she
emotionally stable?
Ask yourself: Do I want to be more like this person? Do I want to have a
child with this person? Would I like my child to turn out like him or her?
#3. You pick the wrong person because the man doesn't understand what a
woman needs most.
Men and women have unique emotional needs, and more often than not, it is
the man who just doesn't "get it." Jewish tradition places the onus on the
man to understand the emotional needs of a woman and to satisfy them. The
unique need of a woman is to be loved -- to feel that she is the most
important person in her husband's life. The husband needs to give her
consistent, quality attention. This is most apparent in Judaism's
approach to sexual intimacy. The Torah obligates the husband to meet the
sexual needs of his wife. Sexual intimacy is always on the woman's terms.
Men are goal-oriented, especially when it comes this area. As a wise woman
once pointed out, "Men have two speeds: on and off." Women are
experience-oriented. When a man is able to switch gears and become more
experience-oriented, he will discover what makes his wife very happy. When
the man forgets about his own needs and focuses on giving his wife
pleasure, amazing things happen.
#4. You choose the wrong person because you do not share common life goals
and priorities.
There are three basic ways we connect with another person:
1. chemistry and compatibility
2. share common interests
3. share common life goal
Make sure you share the deeper level of connection that sharing life goals
provide. After marriage, the two of you will either grow together or grow
apart. To avoid growing apart, you must figure out what you're "living
for," while you're single -- and then find someone who has come to the same
conclusion as you.
This is the true definition of a "soul mate." A soul mate is a goal mate --
two people who ultimately share the same understanding of life's purpose
and therefore share the same priorities, values and goals.
#5. You choose the wrong person because you get involved sexually too
quickly.
Sexual involvement before the commitment of marriage can be a big problem
because it often precludes a fully honest exploration of important issues.
Sexual involvement tends to cloud one's mind. And a clouded mind is not
inclined to make good decisions.
Of all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited
as a main factor. It is not necessary to take a "test drive" in order to
find out if a couple is sexually compatible. If you do your homework and
make sure you are intellectually and emotionally compatible, you don't have
to worry about sexual compatibility. Of
all the studies done on divorce, sexual incompatibility is never cited as a
main reason why people divorce.
#6. You pick the wrong person because you do not have a deeper emotional
connection with this person.
To evaluate whether you have a deeper emotional connection or not, ask: "Do
I respect and admire this person?" This does not mean, "Am I impressed by
this person?" We are impressed by a Mercedes. We do not respect someone
because they own Mercedes. You should be impressed by qualities of
creativity, loyalty, determination, etc. Also ask: "Do I trust this
person?" This also means, "Is he/she emotionally stable?" Do I feel I can
rely on him/her?
#7. You pick the wrong person because you choose someone with whom you
don't feel emotionally safe.
Ask yourself the following questions:
Do I feel calm, peaceful and relaxed with this person? Can I fully be
myself and express myself with this person?
Does this person make me feel good about myself? Do you have a really close
friend who does make you feel this way? Make sure the person you marry
makes you feel the same way!
Are you afraid of this person in any way? You should not feel you need to
monitor what you say because you are afraid of how the other person will
view it. If you're afraid to express your feelings and opinions openly,
there's a problem with the relationship.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. Another
aspect of feeling safe is that you don't feel the other person is trying to
control you. Controlling behaviors are a sign of an abusive person.
Be on the look out for someone who is always trying to change you. There's
a big difference between controlling" and "making suggestions."
A suggestion is made for your benefit; a control statement is made for
their benefit.
#8. You pick the wrong person because you don't put everything on the
table.
Anything that bothers you about the relationship must be brought up for
discussion. Bringing up the uncomfortable stuff is the only way to evaluate
how well the two of you communicate, negotiate, and work together. Over the
course of a lifetime, difficulties will inevitably arise. You need to know
now, before making a commitment:
Can you resolve your differences and find compromises that work for both of
you? Never be afraid to let the person know what bothers you. This is also
a way For you to test how vulnerable you can be with this person. If you
can't be vulnerable, then you can't be intimate. The two go hand in hand.
#9. You pick the wrong person because you use the relationship to escape
from personal problems and unhappiness.
If you are unhappy and single, you'll probably be unhappy and married, too.
Marriage does not fix personal, psychological and emotional problems. If
anything, marriage will exacerbate
them. If you are not happy with yourself and your life, take responsibility
to fix it now while you are single. You'll feel better, and your future
spouse will thank you.
#10. You pick the wrong person because he/she is involved in triangle.
To be "triangulated" means a person is emotionally dependent on someone or
something else while trying to develop another relationship. A person who
hasn't separated from his or her parents is the classic example of
triangulation. People can also be triangulated with things as well, such as
work, drugs, Internet, hobbies, sports or money.
Be careful that you and your partner are free of triangles. The person
caught in the triangle cannot be fully
emotionally available to you. You will not be their number one priority.
And that's no basis for a marriage.
